Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
They did not miss in the small print
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.