BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.