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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Why am I like this?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
some things should go without saying
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.