[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Liquor Store Parking
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.