Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle