[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
You Might Also Like
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!