ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Plant care tips
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!