Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
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“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I beg your pardon?
Going to church you guys need anything
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*