My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
wish me luck lads
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.