I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Hamburger Hinderer.