Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
lot going on here, legally speaking.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”