Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real