I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
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Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.