Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Generation gap…
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The symmetry is uncanny.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.