[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
This squirrel eats better than I do
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.