Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
#parenting
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT