I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*jingles half the way*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!