My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.