A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal