my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.