Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.