GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham