Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”