Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired