ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
HELP 😭
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me :
All Day At Night
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.