Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Midwest trash talk
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.