“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Time heals everything 🙂
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive