When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son