“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.