The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.