[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
You Might Also Like
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*