Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Breaking news:
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.