Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
You Might Also Like
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now