You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows