Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.