*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Netflix and you sit over there.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad