My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
happy friday
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.