Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
President The Rock Obama
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*mops up wine with cat*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government