Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
it must be school picture day
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot