*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes