Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Great Canadian literature.
Good boy 😂😂