howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I want this so bad
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
They did not think through this water fountain
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”