I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly