If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
You Might Also Like
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: