When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?