do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount