* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats