Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
A double negative is a big no-no.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Feels
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me