Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?