[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
WHY?!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA